Reasons Why FB is Better Than All Twilight Guys
by chasingafterstarlight
Summary: Sam's list of reasons why Freddie Benson is better than all guys from Twilight. Seddie.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, people!**

**Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be writing iBreak a Promise, but I couldn't get this idea out of my head after laughing at comments from anti-Twilighters on MLIT! By the way, this is in NO way a copy of the awesome author Gabsikle's story **_**Sam's List of Guys Better Than Edward Cullen**_**, which is also an awesome story! There's a lot of differences. I focus on all guys in Twilight, mine is a oneshot, and these are the reasons **_**why **_**Freddie is better, not just a list of guys that are better.**

**Hope you like it!**

_Reasons _**Why **_**Freddie **_Benson _Is _**Better **_**Than **_All _Guys _**From **_**Twilight**_

_If you haven't guessed who's writing this by now, then go get a life, you idiot. You obviously haven't noticed that I've been dating the dork for almost a year now._

_My friend Wendy is completely obsessed with the Twilight Saga and she forced me to read it (Carly too). Carly and I both think that Edward Cullen is a complete jerk, and none of the other guys are that great either. I've realized that I'm extremely lucky because my boyfriend is better than all of those meatheads. Proof? I've got plenty._

**Reason #1: Freddie Benson's body temperature is completely normal.**

_Unlike Edward (and the rest of the creepy Cullen family), he's not freezing cold whenever I touch him, which is good because personally I prefer not to feel like I'm touching an ice cube. Unlike Jacob, Freddie's skin doesn't burn me when I touch it, which is also good. Who wants to get burnt whenever they touch their boyfriend? Not me._

**Reason #2: Freddie Benson doesn't want to suck my blood.**

_I could not be around a guy all the time while knowing the entire time that he wanted to lunge at me and suck my blood all the time. I definitely couldn't kiss a guy while knowing his throat was on fire with WANT FOR MY BLOOD. That's just…creepy. Now, if he actually had fangs, it would be a lot hotter. But with normal, human teeth? That's kind of like cannibalism, you know what I mean? _

**Reason #3: Freddie Benson doesn't want to control who I hang out with.**

_In case you don't remember, in the books, the Cullens wanted Bella to stay away from Jacob and other werewolves. It wasn't just Edward. Plus, Jacob wanted Bella to ditch the Cullens for good. That's just….annoying, controlling, stupid. Even if I wanted to hang out with someone that Freddork hated, he wouldn't object. Or try to control me, not that he ever could. I'd beat him up. Ooh…that brings me to Reason 4…_

**Reason #4: I can beat up on Freddie Benson. **

_Those freaky vampire-ish things in Twilight, along with the werewolves, are all creepy strong, fast and aggressive. A lot like me…but I'm not supernaturally strong, fast OR aggressive. Which means that (*sniff*) I couldn't beat them up. I prefer to be with guys that I can beat up on and let me beat them up. Such as my boyfriend, Freddie Benson. He doesn't even care when I punch him or kick him or whatever. I guess he's gotten used to it, but whatever…he's much better than any of those 'guys'._

**Reason #5: Freddie Benson cares more about me than most, if not all, of those guys care about their girlfriends.**

_As I've clearly stated before, Edward wanted to control Bella's life. Dr. Cullen's a pretty okay guy but…he controls pretty much all of their lives, too. Emmett enjoys annoying his wife to death (and she's a brat, anyway). Jacob stalks his 'future wife' like a pedophile. Jasper tries to kill his wife's best friend because she gets a paper cut. That Mike kid (yes, I know he's human) asks out his girlfriend's good friend. And what's his name, Mr. Head Werewolf….Sam, yeah, that guy. He acts like he's all in love with Emily after he clawed off her face. Not to mention he was just in love with another woman! Yeah, great guys._

**Reason #6: Freddie Benson is not a pedophile nor does he support the art of being a pedophile (pedophilism?) **

_Do you really need me to tell you? Jacob and Renesmee? That's just…creepy. I know what you guys are saying, "He'll wait for her, he's just being a big brother until she grows up," but it's still really creepy. It's like…Carly falling in love with me and the dork's kid. Or Gibby falling in love with me and the dork's kid. *shudders* Ew….the mental pictures. And Bella is totally okay with it! Now, I admit, Eddie there is a little PO'ed but even he comes to support it! EW! _

**Reason #7: Freddie Benson is only a few months older than me, and he will continue to get old with me. **

_Does anyone else find it even a little bit creepy that Edward is actually over one hundred years older than Bella? Because I sure do. All of the Twilight pairings have a creepy distance between them. Alice and Jasper is something like 30-40 years, I think. Emmett and Rosalie is a big one too, so is Carlisle and Esme. These pairings make the Jacob/ Renesmee relationship seem perfectly normal. Ugh. Also, staying the same age forever would get annoying…plus Twilight encourages teen marriage/ pregnancy considering Bella and Edward are 'supposedly' eighteen and seventeen respectively. That's just…creepy._

**Reason #8: Freddie Benson has friends outside of his family and girlfriend.**

_Ever noticed how in the Twilight series the Cullens only hang out with themselves on normal days? Okay, I'll admit they have some friends, but they never see them and all of them live out of state or whatever. They never actually hang out with others on a regular basis! Jacob only hangs out with his pack and sometimes the Cullens, though they aren't really friends (other than Jacob/ Bella friendship). Freddie has many other friends including Carly, Gibby, Shane, AV Club peeps, even a couple of jocks ever since that techy guy got buff!_

**Reason #9: Freddie Benson isn't a creeper.**

_Okay, you guys gotta admit that it's kinda creepy to have someone watching you while you sleep, even if that someone is the guy you like (remember, Edward and Bella weren't even going out when he watched her sleep). It's even creepier that she didn't even KNOW he was watching her sleep. What makes it reach maximum creep factor is that she TALKS in her sleep (and about him sometimes too! What the heck?). Freddie would never do something as creepy as that. Also, Freddie doesn't creep people out by glaring at them before he even talks to them or never talking to anyone but his family. That's also creepy…_

**Reason #10 (and possibly *probably* the most important reason): Freddie Benson puts up with me.**

_Now, this may seem kind of obvious considering that Freddie is my boyfriend, but I swear to you that if I met those wimpy vampires and 'werewolf-shapeshifter' things then I would drive them to the point of insanity within an hour. Have you ever noticed that all the Twilight girls are seemingly perfect? There's Bella, the cliché no flaw Mary Sue, Alice, whose only flaw is being too hyper and a bit bossy, Rosalie, who's selfish but that's okay because she's pretty, girly and had a rough past, Esme, who can't do a thing wrong except be too motherly, Renee, the amazing, caring but not too overbearing mother, Jessica, the girly, funny one, Angela, that smart chick….no bossy, aggressive tomboy anywhere in there, is there? Hm…has to make you think. Freddie has to be pretty awesome to put up with me, right?_

_So, that's my list of reasons why Fredward Benson is better than any of those freaky vampires or shape-shifter dogs. Hope you came to your senses after reading this and realized that Twilight is a big piece of crap._

_Sam Joy Puckett_

_**Comments:**_

_95- A_

_Sam, I had no idea you could write like this! This was your best work yet, well-organized, convincing, persuasive, just overall great. The only reason I took some points off was because of the use of words such as 'crap' and the overuse of the word 'creepy'. Otherwise terrific!_

_-Ms. Brown_

"Why are you so happy, Sam?" Freddie wondered, eyeing the bouncing girl.

Jumping up and down with pure joy, she handed the essay to her boyfriend. "Frednub! Check it out, I got an A!"

"What did you write about….oh." He read the essay quickly, then handed it back to her, his eyes bulging out of their sockets. "Sam, I didn't know you could write."

She crossed her arms. "Benson, they teach everyone to write in the first grade."

"No," He rolled his eyes. "Actually _write _good enough to earn an A from a teacher."

"You doubting me?" Sam questioned.

Freddie shook his head, smiling. "Sam, you never fail to surprise me." And with that, he took her into his arms and kissed her.

When he pulled away, he whispered, "By the way, I'm glad that you think I'm better than Edward Cullen. Flattered, actually. Shane's been complaining all day about Wendy's obsession with the freaky guy."

**Hope you liked it! I've just been wondering how the guys being compared to Eddie Cullen feel, so I wrote this. I think Freddie is A LOT better than Edward Cullen. No offense to Edward lovers, this is just a humor fic. **

**If you like it, review! I might write a sequel... 10 Reasons Why Sam Puckett Is Better Than All Girls From Twilight...if you guys like it, that is.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, thanks for all the reviews! I'll take the time to personally thank you all later, but thanks to your reviews, I wrote a sequel! Hope you like it! **

_Reasons Why Samantha Joy Puckett Kicks the Twilight Girls' Butt_

_Hey, guys. I'm guessing you know who's writing this…if you don't, it's Freddie Benson. I decided to do this after I read Sam's essay about how I am so much better than all the Twilight guys, because I'd remembered how much better Sam is than all of those freaky girls. I'm being honest, all of them creep me out…well, here you go. _

**Reason #1: The girls in Twilight (the movie and the book) dress like old ladies. **

_Haven't you ever noticed? The weird peacoats and crap? Not to mention Bella's flowered shirts, and boyish jackets. They have no real style whatsoever. But Sam? Now, Sam, she has a style all her own. I've never met anyone that can copy Sam's style because her style is all her own. Only Sam can pull off the outfits and jewelry that she wears._

**Reason #2: Sam Puckett wouldn't let herself be controlled by a boy. **

_Ever noticed how Bella would do anything Edward said, just so he would love her? Oh, Bella, you can't go see Jacob. And after he dismantles her car, she just goes back to her house like a lovesick little puppy. Can anyone imagine Sam ever doing that? No, she'd probably just march up to that Edward kid, punch him in the face, grab the motorcycle and go see her friend. Hmm… I actually kind of want to see that. Not to mention the other girls, none of them are stronger than their male counterparts. Alice has no physical strength whatsoever, neither does Rosalie..._

**Reason #3: Sam Puckett has a sense of humor. **

_Have you ever noticed that these girls hardly ever laugh? They aren't funny, either. The only one in the books that ever made me laugh was that Emmett guy, and he is a guy, which means he doesn't belong on this list. They're all so serious and boring, unlike Sam. Now Sam is a lot of fun, she knows exactly how to make me laugh and does it as much as possible. She also does a comedy show, iCarly, which (by the way) is hilarious and the best show ever._

Okay, enough iCarly propaganda!

**Reason #4: Sam Puckett doesn't give up. **

_The most annoying thing in the Twilight series is how in New Moon once Edward leaves, Bella gives up on everything. Would you ever see Sam Puckett do that? No. She'd tough it out, live her normal life. Same with the other girls. Rosalie pretty much gives up when she thinks her own brother's gonna kill himself, and Alice does many times (usually after seeing visions). Esme gave up also when she thought Edward was dead (you don't see her rushing to save her, do you?) Sam always keeps going even when it's hard. Some say it's a pride thing, but I call it perseverance. I still remember the speech she gave us that one time…_

**Reason #5: Sam Puckett doesn't depend on a boy for her happiness.**

_While similar to my #2, it is also very different. When Edward leaves, Bella is depressed for like 4 straight months, which is crazy. When Sam and Jonah broke up (he cheated on her, which is much worse than just leaving), Sam might have shed a few tears (I never actually saw her cry) and then she moved on, just like Bella should have done. And you know that if Jasper/ Alice or Rosalie/ Emmett broke up, they'd be super depressed and probably go die or something. I don't know. But I seriously doubt they'd move on._

**Reason #6: Sam Puckett doesn't use her friends or pretend she likes someone.**

_Did you ever notice how in New Moon (when EDWARD was gone) Bella and Jacob hung out all the time. Then when that stupid Edward came back she just dropped Jacob like a hot potato because Edward told her to. Sure, she attempted to go visit him once or twice, but that's it. Alice acts like she likes the humans (Mike, Jessica, Angela, Eric) but they almost never hang out or really even talk. Sam- if she doesn't like you, she lets you know. And if she does, she'll hang out with you a lot._

**Reason #7: Sam Puckett is unique. **

_Bella is a prime example of the all-too-common in the literature genre Mary Sue. You know, the perfect (I'll touch on that later), nice to everyone, almost no flaws, beautiful, sweet, popular one in the books or movies. There are millions of others like her. Alice is the bubbly, perky one that you also see all the time. The one that's pretty much optimistic no matter what's going on. There are lots like her. Rosalie- the vain, often popular, beautiful, negative one that's everywhere. She's not her own person either. But Sam- there's not too many people like Sam. Sam's a tomboy, she's aggressive, she's sometimes crazy, she's hilarious but she's her own person._

**Reason #8: Sam Puckett isn't dull.**

_Do these chicks ever do anything interesting? The only thing interesting I've ever seen them do is steal stuff, and boy Sam could kick their butt at that any day. Mostly they just sit around and discuss their problems, which is totally boring. Sam, on the other hand, lives each day like it's her last. She always has something fun and creative to do all the time, which, by the way, is something these characters lack. Creativity. They fall into the same routine over and over again, never seeming to come out. It makes the books just as boring._

**Reason #9: Sam Puckett isn't perfect.**

_All the girls from Twilight are basically perfect. Sure, they have a few flaws (Alice's hyperactivity (perhaps ADHD?), Rosalie's selfishness) but Bella and Esme have few flaws (if any). I could write a list on Sam's flaws (not that I'd want to) but she has more flaws than them and that's what makes her perfect. She's real, she doesn't try to cover up her flaws. The fact that she isn't perfect makes her perfect in my eyes (that's so cheesy, but I don't care). I'd rather have a flawed girl than a girl who pretends not to be flawed._

**Reason #10: Sam Puckett doesn't sit around and wait for her Prince Charming. **

_Though Sam and I are going out, I'm not exactly her Prince Charming that's gonna sweep her off her feet. We're not ever gonna have the whole love at first sight, perfect relationship that is so often displayed in the movies. We fight constantly and we were enemies at first, but Sam's fine with that. She's not the type of girl to sit around and wait for someone perfect, unlike the rest of them. Rosalie waited 30 years or so, Alice even longer and Bella wouldn't even give the human guys a chance._

_So, that's my reasons why Sam Puckett's better than the Twilight girls. It's true in my eyes, and I hope that you will see the light._

**Comments:**

_Freddie, you're such a dork._

_Sam _

_Aw, Freddie, you're so sweet to Sam!_

_Wendy_

_You guys are so cute!_

_Carly_

_**View 20 more…**_

"Saw your blog post," Sam came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Did you like it?" He asked, turning to face her.

She buried her flaming face in his shoulder. "You're such a dork."

"But you love it," he teased.

"Maybe," She whispered, kissing him softly.

_Maybe he wasn't her Prince Charming, but he was close enough, and she loved him. So that's all that matters._

END

**Please review! And I'm ending it here, no more sequels, sorry **

**Review!**


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